After one year and a half ...

After one year and half ... I am still crying for him ... he come and goes as he likes ... but we haven't met anymore since those unforgettable 4 days spent together.
Who is this man ... who can do all this to me?

He has deleted me from all his contacts once again ... this time forever!

I've f****d my life up changing totally after 19 years. Lost husband, home, relationships, connection with half of my world!

I'm starting again after all this! I don't know how and where am I founding such a power! But I am doing it!!!

Probably it's really better for both if he keeps far ... but my heart wish to meet him again! To kiss him again! To hold his hand again!

He won't consider me anymore ... this is his way to take care of my heart!

By the way ...  I've read my last posts dated 2009 ... don't tell me this is not true love ...

After one year and half without meeting him ... I am still thinking of him night and day!!!I

I am praying for him to change his mind and to meet each others once again!!!

I have lost him

At the end ... after too many stupid emails ... I have lost him!!!
But I couldnt stand his being far away ... I was ... I am suffering ...
I have wished things could have been different ... but he didn't wish the same!!!
So .... now .... he doesn't want to have any contact with me anymore.
I do not know why he still keeps me in among his contact in FB and in MSN ... I really do not know it!!!
He has blocked me in MSN ... and he is not loging FB in ...
Sometimes I hope that maybe he will change his mind and this is the reason why he does not wipe me out!!!
By the way ... after more than 10 apologising emails ... no answer ... nothing!!!

He has definitively killed me!!!
I've passed the last days crying ... in total desperation!!! Sticked in bed ... with my notebook on my lap ... waiting for a word ... at least a word ...
He said to me that I have hurted and humiliated him ...
What about me??? On line in msn ... trying to keep in touch with him ... without receiving any attention???
Is this hurting and humiliating???
Probably not ... because this concerns me and not him!!!
I do not know... probably I wanna convince me that he is different from how he really is!!!
For sure he can be nice as well as egotist!!!
This unfortunately does not change things!!! I miss him ... and I am living in hell!!! Because I love him ... I really love him .... and even if he used to tell me that he loves me more than I do ... well this has never been true!!!

The answer - 2

He says he is not doing anything … he’s only busy with his work … and he asks me to forgive him …


What should I understand??? He has no time for me … I do not exist in his daily life … I am only a lover he wishes to meet every quarter …


Yes I remember perfectly what he said three months ago … but that time I didn’t get it … as well as I didn’t get when he talked to me about our “private room” …


He decided in a row that I would have been his secret love … we would have met in our private room … and no one would have ever known about us.


And I even remember when he said … “An old love always pleased your life … while a new one can pissed it off” …


It was perfectly clear in his mind … my role in his life was “The Lover” …


Every … “I love you … I love you more than you do ... I cannot imagine my life without you … I miss you … “ … and so on … everything was concerning my role as a lover … not as a love …


I do not know … what does being a lover mean? I have never been or had a lover before now… and I do not like it.


I do not like staying quiet until he says I can speak.


I do not like waiting for his assignment in Europe to meet him.


I do not like betraying my husband and lying.


I do not like writing e-mails without having a reply.


I do not like being ignored.


I do not like too many things…


But what I do not like most is his answer!!!

The answer

I’ve written to him so many times … that I do not know if it has any reason to continue … he simply doesn’t reply … and when he does it … he just writes a few words.



I feel it … he wants to stay far away … he won’t reply anymore … he stays there … avoiding me … ignoring me … and I do not know what to do …
It’s really horrible when the person you love doesn’t talk to you … doesn’t open his heart and mind to you … doesn’t explain to you what is it happening …


I’ve tried anything I could … what more than this? What more than declaring my absolute love to him. What more than praying him to talk … to explain …


He used to tell me “I’m yours forever” … “I am in your power” … “I love you more than you do!” … such as “I am very busy because of my job … I am a CEO … and I work 15 hours a day!!! Lots of responsibilities … I am responsible for the job of more than 100 people” … then there’s his family … wife … kids … social life …


What can you understand from this? I just understand that he doesn’t care enough of me … that he hasn’t got time in his life for me … that he does not give any priority to me.


I cannot accept it … I cannot … this situation is killing me … from total love to nothing …


How can you declare to love someone and then … nothing … I find it such a horrible attitude …


Am I so stupid that I prefer fooling me up than looking at reality?


He is married, he has kids, he lives more than 2.600 miles away from me, he is muslim and I am not, he has a high social position … and I could even continue the list … but I suppose it can be enough … don’t you think so?


You know what … I am not a CEO … but I have built such a nice life during these 20 years …I am a PhD … I have a nice job and even better plans for my future … I am married too and I was planning to have kids … probably I do not have all his responsibilities … but … I am socially connected too.


The difference between us …is that … if only he would have said to me … “I love you …I wish to live with you for the rest of my life!” … well … I would have kicked my life off … I would have jumped to Kuwait … even if I do not speak a word in Arabic … cause the only thing I find really important is this incredible love … or better the one I supposed there was …


I really love him … but what about his answer?

The question ...

He asked me ... "what would you do if we won't meet again"?

He left me without breath ... and I answered him ... "it has happened ... it happened 19 years ago ... I've lived this story every day for 19 years ... What do you think I would do? ... I'll cry for you again until I'll have tears! Why ... why are you asking me this?"

I couldn't imagine ... I would have started writing a blog ...
I feel abandoned ... and lonely ... he is far away ... back to Kuwait ... back to his life ... back ... more than 2600 miles away from me ... living his life!

It's about one month since we met after 19 years ... after three incredible months passed chatting ... videochatting ... talking and writing ...

It's about one month since we kissed with a burning passion ... since we became one single body ...

Where is him now? Why is he avoiding me? Why is he ignoring me? Why? Why? Why?
I am dieing day by day ... trying to find the way back to my life exactly as he has done ...
but I love him ... I really love him ... and my life is irremediably changed.